Good afternoon/morning/evening, budding businessians and future titans of industry! Brian Butterfield here, businessman, entrepreneur, businessman, ready to impart some of my time-tested business wisdoms. Whether you’re starting a humble sea urchin stand or launching a new AI robot soldier that in the wrong hands could lead to the downfall of humanity, these tips are your golden ticket to business success (or at least to not losing everything you own immediately)
1. Something
The first and most important tip I’ve unfortunately forgotten.
2. Marketing
Marketing is the soul of any business. Skywriting your business name over major cities during rush hour is the best way to get your business name out there bar none. Can’t afford skywriting? No problem. Hand out flyers at your local bingo night. Especially if your business manufactures numbered balls.
3. Unique Selling Proposition
Your product needs to stand out. As described in my book, There’s No Business like BUSINESS!, create a unique selling proposition (USP) that nobody else can claim. For example, if you’re selling soap, make it “Guaranteed Alien-Free.” This will make your product stand out. Unique, unforgettable, and exciting, just like your business should be. (I just remembered that bit of advice didn’t actually make it into the final edition of my book because it wasn’t very good)
4. Staff Motivation
A happy staff is a productive staff. I find that motivational dance routines work wonders on my staff (me). Begin each day with a choreographed number in the carpark. It’s a fantastic way to build team spirit and confuse your competitors. Plus, it keeps everyone fit, which means fewer sick days.
5. Fiscal Prudence
Managing your finances is crucial. Keep all your receipts in a shoebox under your bed and review them once a year. Trust your gut, and when in doubt, get more shoeboxes.
6. Customer Service
Your customers are the lifeblood of your business. Always respond to complaints with a handwritten note and a voucher for a free dinner at an all-you-can-eat buffet that they can redeem on treat day. Remember, an appeased customer is less likely to egg your house. Also, don’t give out your home address.
7. Product Diversification
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket (unless your company sells giant egg baskets). Diversify your product line with items that have absolutely no relation to each other. My huge personal business portfolio includes a diet plan, detective services, and a no star hotel. If one product fails, another one will undoubtedly succeed 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞 🤞
8. Exit Strategy
Always have an exit strategy. When the business inevitably files for bankruptcy, be ready to pivot to a new venture. Perhaps an exotic pet rental service or a mobile toilet service. The only thing holding you back is your imagination! (and your ability to run a successful business)
Follow these tips, and you too can experience the highs and lows of the business world, just like me, Brian Butterfield. And you can learn even more by attending my business seminar The Call of Now. Go to www.brianbutterfield.co.uk for more details. Remember, failure is just success in disguise, a cunning disguise that may leave you bankrupt. Onward to glory, entrepreneurs!
Brian Butterfield is currently on tour in the UK. Buy tickets here:
https://www.brianbutterfield.co.uk
For those interested in the Butterfield Diet Plan. See below.
